Monday, January 09, 2006


I hate making decisions. The possibility of making a bad one haunts me, especially if it will affect other people. Especially if it is likely to affect other people negatively, increase a burden on people I care about. Even if it will make life better for other people I care about.

There is a voice deep, deep within that cannot be heard unless one listens and listens with full and quiet attention with a willingness to accept what it has to say, listens without the interruptive, "but"s and "what if"s that will tend to crowd themselves into the meditative silences needed for the voice to be heard at all. It very rarely give explanation. Usually it doesn't even communicate in words, as such, but it makes itself clear and then waits, leaves the decision and the execution of that decision entirely within one's own outer realms to do or leave undone. I know I need to go into those silences and listen, but I've a good idea of what I will hear already, and it grieves me, even as it gives me a thrill of anticipation.

And, no. I'm not considering starching Great Scott's boxers. Again.

This is not a comfortable place.


Jennifer said...

I know just what you mean. I'm in a somewhat similar position myself. It can be brutally hard to obey your conscience sometimes.

alaiyo said...

Amen. Precisely where I am now. Can't yet silence the "buts" and "what ifs" and knowing I must do so soon.

Life could be a lot simpler than I make it . . . :(

Good timing for this thought. Now and then I *really* do believe there are no coincidences.


Meg said...

I've always thought it would be amazing if God placed the Large neon signs to light the way, but I've learned sometimes even neon couldn't stand up to my "but" and "what if" moments. Best of luck and thank you for you comment :) I needed it.

Fieldfleur said...

Praying for you!

Cindy said...

Jennifer--"...brutally hard." That just about says it, yes.

Beth--No coincidences. I don't have that much faith.

Meg--"...sometimes even neon couldn't stand up to my "but" and "what if" moments." Ouch. You said it. (And you're welcome for the comment! :) )

Teri--Your prayers are being answered.

Cindy said...

Took the first step tonight to doing what needs to be done. Will finalize in the morning.

alaiyo said...

Have you found some time for window-gazing (or walking) today? :)

Loved talking to you yesterday, dear sister!


Cindy said...

I walked to the creek and sat barefoot on the gravel bank in a patch of bright sun this afternoon, yes, while a squirrel several trees over had an apparent apoplectic seizure over my presence. Eventually he either gave up or had a coronary. It got quiet. My feet got cold on the stones. My back got hot in the sun. I got quiet. It was good.

alaiyo said...


(Thanks for posting the Barbie poem; I've always loved that one!)

Love you,