Monday, August 01, 2005

Taking Steps

Sometimes I don't know if I'm going forward or backward. Often I suspect doing both simultaneously isn't beyond possibility. Like now, for instance. My moods have been increasing in intensity lately: restlessness, drivenness, sentimentality, teariness, emotional exaustion, false guilt, self-condemnation, discouragement sliding toward depression, pressured. I hate this. In such moods, the mere fact of their existence becomes perceived confirmation of my complete failure as a human being. Sheer hogwash, of course, but knowing doesn't alleviate feeling, unfortunately.

There are things I can do that have proven effective in lessening the severity of these moods and/or decreasing the length of their existence. Things I've been avoiding but that I have to admit have become necessary. So this morning I got out of bed much earlier than has been the norm this summer, and I walked for an hour. Hard. Tonight I will try to go to bed around ten instead of the 2 a.m. average I've been running for the last two weeks. I am trying very, very, very hard to stay away from sugar, corn and wheat products, and I am trying to focus on the very simple, very ordinary tasks of the everyday variety: laundry, dishes, bedmaking, bathing, putting in my contacts, brushing my hair. Yes, these things take enormous focus right now, believe it or not.

There is nothing quite so humbling for a Very Intelligent Person as having one's mind stage a coup that leaves one nearly incapable of tasks even the dimmest person can perform with ease. Grrrr.


Feeble Knees said...

I understand.

hang in there,

David said...

Oh, Lord -- Hang in there, Cindy. Please don't forget that your high intelligence is not unrelated to your 'moods.' The very trouble you have doing the things that a dimmer mind can do bespeaks an intelligent and complicated soul.... Well, okay, it doesn' NECESSARILY mean your smarter, but it does in this case; I know, because I've read your work.

There are jobs out there for which high I.Q. is a liability--e.g., in Britain you have to score BELOW a certain number to get hired as a bobby--but, poetry and motherhood aren't among them, though I suppose that's hard to see when getting through the boring bits.

Hang in there.

Randy said...

Going through a bit of a similar season. I will pray for you.

Cindy said...

Feebs--My condolences. Sincerely. And sincerely thank you for the commiseration/sympathy. While I'm not glad you understand, it's nice to know I'm in such good company.

David--Thank you. Very much, thank you. You're an encouragement. (And thanks for not pointing out the refering to oneself as a "Very Intelligent Person" could very well be considered a symptom of the cause. :::wry smile::: )

Randy--Thanks for the prayer. Maybe it's an evil twin thing going on. Should I apologise to you or blame you, then? :::reciprocal prayers:::

alaiyo said...

Maybe it's an end-of-summer thing? I do often wish that *knowing* something would make it "real" -- as in "I can live this now" real. One step at a time, one foot in front of the other . . . there are times that's the only way to get through the next minute, let alone the day.

Prayers are with you, dear friend.



Cindy said...

Beth and all--Prayers are effective. Slooowly effective. What's coming out of all this is that I'm seeing some changes I need to make (and have been particularly resistant to making). Thank you.

Connie said...

Missed this while I was incommunicado. Wow. Know the feeling only too well. Know the effort it takes to do the walking and running. Know the chaos of piled up laundry, dishes not put away, clutter everywhere...been doing a bit of a clean up as a way to organize my disorganized brain. Works.