Friday, March 04, 2005

Excerpt from "Laundry Law of the Mama"

Thou shalt not send thy child to school attired in ivory lace upon Picture Day, shouldst Picture Day fall also upon the Day of the Burrito. Nay, nor shalt thou send thy child to school in ivory lace upon the Day of Nachos. Shouldst the Day of the Burrito and the Day of the Nachos fall both upon the day the administration hath chosen for Picture Day, woe unto thee, yea, and unto thy child also, shouldst thou dress her thus in ivory lace, yea, even ivory lace unto her ankles and send her forth. For it shall come about that as she is gathered with the assembly at noon, the burrito and the nachos shall spill forth their contents upon the lace, and thy child wilt come home stained and full of grief.

But if thou shouldst, in thine ignorance and vanity, send forth thy child in ivory lace upon the Day of the Burrito and Nachos, verily there hath been a way provided for thee and thy child out of thy misery. Behold, when thy child arrives home, remove her dress from her body, and unto the lace, even the places thereon of staining, shalt thou apply the Stain Stick. Makest thou then an offering unto the washer, pouring forth the laundry detergent mingled with thy tears, and turn the dress such that its inner parts are outermost, and place it in the washer until its alloted time is complete. Then it may be that the Lord your God shall have mercy upon you and your child and shall forgive thy ignorance and vanity and shall cleanse the garment of all stain and restore unto it its former glory.

Then shalt thou raise thy voice and apply thy fingers unto the keyboard and spread forth the praises of Him who has delivered thee from thy woeful state, yea, even thee and thy child. And it may be that others will hear of it and be forewarned and tremble, and shall in reverence turn from the ivory lace on the days it is forbidden and so shalt be saved, yea, they and all their household.

6 comments:

Anonymous said...

Why did I hear Michael Palin reciting this in my head as I read? Then again, maybe I don't want to know.
That was lovely, Cindy. Very well done indeed.
-Brad

Toad said...

I want to print this on some good paper and frame it, as it will undoubtably be a necessary reminder in a few years. Will you also be writing about the horrors of dressing your child in a black and white checked shirt and pink jeans for picture day? (And that year included a mullet, mind you. Triple whammy.)

r said...

Oh, I am sooooo linking this masterpiece, Cindy.

:D

Joyella said...

I am hoping the picture was taken before the nachos and burritos? I like this cautionary tale, I think I will need it framed too.

David R. Darrow said...

I'm sorry... but I cannot help but hear [and picture!] the mother character in Carrie when I read this.

[telepathically throwing kitchen knives] --David

Cindy said...

Brad--:::envisioning Palin doing this in a housedress and wig::: Yeah, I see what you mean about not wanting to know. :) And, thankyew!

Cheryl--I shall see what can be done about that paper and frame. I remember that black and white checked shirt, BTW. Don't ever do that to Lily, ok?

Rae--As usual, my hits went WAAAY up when you linked back here. You are The Linkage Queen!!!

Joyella--Yes! The picture was taken before the burritos! ("...and there was much rejoicing...")

David D.--Thanks for your comment, even if it did make me cringe through a grin. Hopefully there'll be no kitchen knife throwing of any kind around here. . .at least until boys begin showing up. I can't be responsible for my husband's behavior, then.