Wednesday, November 16, 2005

Blustery Day Rambling

Autumn is solidly set into the calendar of our daily lives, it seems, here at PossumBox Lane. The wind is shoving against the house, rampaging through the leafless, sketchy branches of the trees outside, and the cat has once again claimed the top of the old heat stove as his favorite perch, albeit somewhat gingerly, as he is never sure when it will be hot enough to burn his paws and when it won't. This morning the girls and I dug out their winter coats and found gloves that will serve, at least for a little while.

Autumn and winter have always been bittersweet times of the year for me. Early autumn has usually been particularly troublesome, as I'm plagued by intensity of emotion from both ends of the scale, usually simultaneously. Heading into the holiday season, though, the inner drive toward anger or frenetic joy tends to die down. In the past, I've hated this time, dreaded it horribly. After feeling so much, feeling so alive, this grey existence quickly extended into depression and despair out of sheer guilt for feeling less than I thought I should be feeling. This year, I think--I hope--will be otherwise.

I am doing my best to lay aside self-expectations this winter, to let myself off the achievement hook. If I don't write a single couplet, fine. If I don't get all the holiday decorations out, fine. If I neglect my blog shamelessly--well, that'll just have to be fine, too. One thing, though, I do fully intend to pursue. What I want, more than anything, is to be able to find something beautiful in the fog of "depressed" or diminished mood, something to show that there is meaning there, and worth, something that applies to the life I live everyday as the person I am in the circumstances in which I find myself. Instinctively, I know with that "knowing beyond knowing" that meaning and value do exist in this foggy grey winter existence. I will find it. And I will live there, rest in it, be content.

6 comments:

Jennifer said...

Thanks. I really needed this post right now.

Cindy said...

Jennifer--me, too.

Randy said...

"...I will live there, rest in it, be content."

I love it when you write along these lines and I love hearing that one quote I mentioned coming from you. Very VERY few people are truly self-aware. Even fewer to the point of being content no matter what.

I_Wonder said...

Best wishes in your quest.

Cindy said...

Randy--Very often I suspect that being self-aware and being content are not naturally compatable states. :::wry smile::: Thank you, though, for your encouragement. Everyone should be so blest by evil twinship. (Remind me of the quote you mentioned, if you would. Sounds like it might come in handy to remember.)

Paul--Thank you very much, and thank you for stopping by QL. I'm still exploring your blog, but liking what I'm reading there. It's...calming and confirming. Both very welcome.

Ben said...

Cindy, Cmon, get some faith, the Holy Spirit is your power, grab onto the joy of the Lord. :))))))))). Ok, sorry if anyone took even a hint of that seriously.
I think you're sane as Autumn and Winter--times of death and darkness. Maybe you're the woman of all seasons. I'm so lonesome I could cry just came on. "The moon just went behind a cloud to hide his face and cry." Strangely soothing. Autumn use to be a time to get ready to hunker down and winter a time to hunker down. Maybe you have it right and everyone else is screwed up.