Thursday, January 06, 2005

The Cold, Computers, and Conniption Fits

I've been hiding out the past couple days, I'll admit. Everytime I sat down to compose another post, I'd find out something I didn't want to know. This is why I've not been writing creative stuff lately, too, I'm sure. Truth has a way of seeping through like winter cold, even when we're busy running around stuffing rags in the cracks just as fast as we can. When you write, it seeps in faster. There are too many potentially frightening and painful things in my psyche for me to be entirely comfy with this, so all too often I find myself stuffing the cracks with near-compulsively frantic activities: nibbling, playing mindless computer games, blog surfing, napping, doing housework quickly rather than deliberately, taking too-fast walks, or pacing the floor restlessly. Anything to not think, to not feel what I'm afraid might be waiting for me just outside, digging little claws into any available crevice and prying for all it's worth.

On top of reality dodging, my computer decided to have its own vacation. . .again. I have refrained from emotional and perhaps physical cyber-violence by refraining from the computer, in part. One thing at a time, I keep telling myself. One breath at a time. One reboot at a time. So far it's working. The computer and I are both still in one piece, and if it's not eaten any of my files yet, well, I've eaten enough Captain Crunch for both of us.

This morning I'm sitting in the study upstairs, at Great Scott's computer, looking out the window where my car is sitting under a slowly accumulating veil of snow. When time came to take the girls to school, I couldn't get said car out of the driveway, despite dumping the cats' litterbox behind the back tires for added traction. (Hey, when you're desperate, you have to get innovative.) As a result, the girls are home today and thrilled. When I called to let the school know where they were, the secretary said she wished she'd been as lucky. That softened a little of my guilt, and I'm grateful.

Little things, Lucy. Little things. The flakes flying by the window, the bright pink cyclamen and red begonias blooming on the sill, the silk of the cat's fur beneath your fingertips, the white light of the cloud curtained skies, the grace that will pull you through.

5 comments:

David said...

Lovely post. I'm glad to have read it, this morning, as I've been losing track of the little good things.

Anonymous said...

Thanks, LuCindy! I was just sitting here staring at a two-hour restructuring of a syllabus that I shouldn't have to be doing (my mistake but also a philosophical issue which led to it that has me frustrated), and I decided to see if you'd written anything today, because you always say something that helps me cope -- and yes, one thing at a time: one date change on the syllabus, then the next, then it will be done and I can move on to the next need . . . and not to forget in it all that there are other important "little" things, too, that I need to be aware of and grateful for . . .

love you!

alaiyo

Randy said...

Love the descriptions. This reminds me very much of some style I have read somewhere. I know it is your life and I am blessed by how eloquently you express this struggle (keeping things out in whatever way transposed with the transparency of a window revealing a symbol of grace.) Very good writing but more importantly, a beautiful look into your struggle. You have and are a gift.

Joyella said...

Cindy, I can relate to what you are saying here more than would like to admit. Captain Crunch, eh? Chocolate is my crutch, but second best are those sweet carbs. I too have been wanting to avoid certain things in my psyche, mainly anger, but I am learning that it needs to be dealt with. And the sooner the better. It is time to start a new journal...

Cindy said...

How grateful I am for you people! Thank you so much for the encouragement. Today was much better, despite a rather inauspicious beginning. :)

David--One of the few things that make life bearable is the hope that something I stumble into and bumble through might eventually be a help to someone else. Glad it was you this time.

Beth--How you handle the professional stuff as well as the regular life stuff is a wonderment. People like you amaze me.

Randy--If you think of the writer whose style you mentioned, let me know, please. I tend to learn tremendously from other people's writings, and I value your opinion. Transparency. Ugh. But there isn't really any other way to live, is there? And thank you for the "gift" comment. Much.

Joyella--Great Scott's favorite is Cocoa Pebbles. With chocolate milk. :) Come visit, and we'll make him share. Blessings on starting that journal. I feel for you. . .